Yesterday Once More
by Kiriska
Summary: She didn't want to have to think about these things, but she felt foolish for wishing for ignorance. It was, after all, only inviting someone else to come and play with her mind once more. Oneshot, takes place directly after R2, episode 12.


**Yesterday Once More**

--

She was tired of this.

All the details of the past sat in a jumbled mess in her head, but she didn't want to sift through them anymore. The throbbing in her temples and the aching in her chest was familiar, but it was that very familiarity that frustrated her now. Why was this familiar? Were these her memories? If her mind was so easily toyed with -- if she could be made to forget and remember and forget again -- who was to say that these memories now weren't still lies? What if someone was just messing with her yet again? She didn't want to care about this now. Life had been going okay. She didn't want to have to think about these things, but she felt foolish for wishing for ignorance. It was, after all, only inviting someone else to come and play with her mind once more.

Classes had started more than an hour ago, but Shirley remained in bed. It was still raining outside, and thick droplets smacked dully against her window in a steady rhythm. Now and again, voices would rise up from the courtyard below, or she would catch the murmurings of conversations passing by her room. They reminded her that time didn't stop just because her brain was a mess. But leaving the room would mean she would have to see Lelouch in class. Then again, maybe skipping would invite him to visit her room to see what was wrong. It seemed unlikely, but they were now officially a couple thanks to Milly's dedicated matchmaking, and honestly, she didn't know what to expect from him anymore.

Zero had killed her father, or more specifically, he had ordered his troops to attack Britannian troops. Her father just happened to be on the losing side. She had been through this grief already though, and revisiting it now left her feeling detached and numb. Her father had died serving their country was all. She respected him for that and liked to believe that he was at peace. There was no use crying over it anymore.

And Zero... Shirley didn't know what she had ever thought about Zero. The man's rebellion, or revolution or whatever he wanted to call it, had always seemed distanced from herself. As a Britannian, she knew that she would never be able to fully understand the plight of the Elevens. Sometimes, she found herself sympathizing at their harder life and lesser status, and she knew that she wasn't as prejudiced as Nina, but at the end of the day, the way things were were just the way things were. Prince Clovis's death had been a shock, but even that had not directly affected her. Perhaps she had just been too content in staying removed and ignorant of political and military matters, but until the Black Knights had rescued her friends and her from the other Japanese terrorists, she had not thought too much of them.

And afterwards, what had she thought? She couldn't remember how far the gratitude had extended, couldn't remember whether or not she had approved of their ultimate goal of serving "justice." Her father's death had come too soon after that. And the revelation of Zero's identity as Lelouch too soon after that. Even with the memories back again, she found it hard to remember everything from those rainy nights (had it only been a year ago?), especially the details of what she had felt.

Shirley rolled over in bed to face away from the wall, but still made no move to get up. The bell was ringing to dismiss the first class, and she could hear more footsteps outside as girls stopped briefly back at their rooms before leaving again. There was a knock on her door.

"Shirley?"

It was Miya, a girl from the class she had just missed.

"Shirley, are you sick? I have today's homework for you," Miya continued. "Shirley?"

It wouldn't have taken much effort to answer, and it was extremely rude of her not to, but all the same, she couldn't find the energy or will to respond. Why hadn't Miya just given the homework to Sophie, who could pass them over later? Vaguely, she wondered if Miya had any disconcerting secrets, or if she knew anyone else's. Maybe she, like Kallen, was also a member of the Order. Or alternatively, maybe she had also lost a parent to them. Several moments passed and the sounds of shuffling footsteps in the hall died down a bit. She heard a small sigh and saw several papers slip through from under her door. And then the bell was sounding again, calling students to their second class; she could hear Miya leave with the rest of the footsteps in the hall, and then there was nothing but rain against her window again. And the sound of the thoughts in her head.

Lelouch was Zero. Zero was Lelouch. She wondered if she had really had a chance to seriously dwell on that before. She remembered being distraught. She remembered firing at that woman (who had looked an awful lot like Viletta-sensei, though she didn't trust her memory of the time enough to be convinced of it) and then later, Lelouch. She remembered Lelouch looking incredibly regretful and sad. Her heart was swelling in her chest, and she wondered: when her memory had been erased then, had it been for Zero's benefit or her own? Even now, it was so hard for her to think that Lelouch had done it for just his secret's sake.

But she didn't understand. Lelouch was Britannian... right? Why would he be working so hard for the destruction of the country that he-- There was too much information in her head; Her memory had been wiped twice, after all, and the second time... Nunnally? Rollo was a lie. Lelouch had never had a brother. Where had that come from? He had had a sister. Nunnally Lamperouge, the quiet, soft-spoken blind girl that had been confined to a wheelchair. He had had a sister, who had been the exact likeness of the Nunnally vi Britannia that had just taken office. She found herself gasping out loud at the realization. Lelouch was not only Britannian, he was Britannian _royalty_. He was the prince that had supposedly died during that year of war that she had been too young to care about or remember. Zero was Lelouch vi Britannia.

All of a sudden, her head seemed to explode with questions. Why? Why? Now more than ever, it didn't make sense to her that Lulu was working so hard to fell Britannia. Why had her memory been wiped the second time anyway? And by who? For some reason, even amidst all the other memories she'd retained, she couldn't remember who had erased Nunnally from her mind and replaced her with Rollo. And who was Rollo, anyway? Had he been the one to erase Nunnally? Or perhaps he was simply being toyed with as well? Had he been tricked into thinking that he was Lelouch's brother? And Lelouch himself! Why had he gone along with it? He had loved Nunnally more than anyone else, and that was perhaps one of the reasons she had always believed that there was good in him. He would never simply discard her and replace her with someone else...

It seemed only reasonable, then, to think that Lelouch had also had his memories tampered with. Did he still not remember his sister? When she had given her inauguration speech, had he known? She tried to think if he had been acting different at all then, but it was hard with all the other things floating around in her mind. It seemed so ironic that she should remember all these other things now, but had no idea what had happened only a few weeks ago. At what point had Nunnally been taken away from them? The conclusion of the previous year's failed revolution was still hazy. Zero had been killed, they'd said. Zero had been killed, and the Black Knights had dwindled to almost nothing in the time that followed. But... Lelouch was still alive, and he was still the same Lelouch, so.

Someone had to have erased all of Lelouch's memories then. Shirley still did not know his reasons for waging war in the first place, but she felt like she knew him well enough to know that he wouldn't have given it up for any other reason. Someone had destroyed Zero by taking away Lelouch's memories and replacing them with lies, just as they had with her own, and probably anyone else that had known about Nunnally's presence at Ashford. But then, the Zero that was alive now, was it still Lelouch? Had he found a way to re-obtain his memories? And if he had, how was he-- That would explain a lot of things.

Shirley sat up in bed rather suddenly and was dizzy a moment as the blood rushed from her head. Lelouch was still Zero, and he was having someone play his part as Ashford while Zero was gallivanting across China and India. That was why he had been acting so strange lately. That was why he had done so many uncharacteristic things. That was how he had managed all of those ridiculous acrobatic feats that day. It all made sense. It was very likely then, that it had been an imposter that had kissed her in the library. She flushed at the idea of being kissed by some stranger, but she wasn't sure if it was more appropriate to be angry or simply bewildered.

What in the world was going on? The real Lelouch had to be on campus now though. She knew it had been him that had saved her from that Anya, that crazy Knight of Rounds girl. She knew it had been him that she had exchanged hats with. Could she possibly ask him about any of this? What if she was wrong? What if he didn't have his memories back and it really was someone else pretending to be Zero now? Or what if he just erased her memories again? A third time? She didn't know the details of this strange power, nor did she know all the people that possessed it. Who had given these memories back to her? Did they have some ulterior motive? Were they Lelouch's -- Zero's -- allies or enemies? Was there something they wanted her to do with these memories? She needed to hold onto something; the memories she had now seemed as real as any, but she was terrified of what might happen if she tried to do anything with her newfound, or rather, newly remembered, knowledge.

Who could she trust? If she asked Milly or Rivalz if they remembered Lelouch ever having a sister, would they laugh at her? Would Nina know? She worked for Britannia now; did that make her Zero's enemy? How would she get into contact with Nina anyway? Another thought struck her then. It had to have been Britannia that had erased Lelouch's memory in the first place; who else would want to destroy Zero so badly? This meant that it also had to be Britannia that had erased her memory the second time, to purge it of Nunnally. It had been Britannia that had placed Rollo in their midst instead... But why? That was what it all came down to... why? Where could she go for these answers?

Why had Lelouch and Nunnally vi Britannia been at Ashford to begin with? They were supposed to be dead; had that been a cover-up? If so, why? Why masquerade as the Lamperouges? Who were they hiding from? Britannia? Why hide from family? Why was Lelouch trying to destroy his father's empire? Why had Nunnally been taken away and all memory of her erased? Why had she returned to Britannia without her brother? Had she gone willingly or had it been against her will? Did she know that Lelouch was Zero? Did she approve of his rebellion? And if she did, why was she in the Britannian government now reviving projects that...

Clovis la Britannia and Euphemia li Britannia were both dead. Zero had murdered his own siblings as part of his agenda to liberate Area 11... How could Lelouch be capable of such a thing when he cared so deeply for Nunnally? Too many questions, too many questions. Lelouch had the power to make anyone obey him. Euphemia had been so out of character at the massacre, based on all the impressions she'd had of her previously... Had Lelouch really ordered his sister to massacre everyone so he could be seen as the hero? Could he really have done that...? The realization was so much worse than the idea that Lelouch had ordered the death of her own father... He hadn't known who he'd been killing then, but in these instances... in both cases, he had been the one to hold the gun, and he had known that they were his brother and sister...

Shirley shivered and drew her knees to her chest. Her mind was spinning again. Too many questions were there, and the more she thought about them, the more garbled and illogical they became. As soon as she went down one train of thought, another would interrupt it and she was faced with new insecurities and another round of questions. It was overwhelming. She wanted to go back to sleep, but the memories and thoughts would still be there when she awoke. And at this point, she really didn't want to lose them again, as frustrating and shocking and terrifying as they were. She just wanted answers, but she didn't know what she could do.

She wanted to trust Lelouch. She hadn't forgiven Zero for the death of her father, but she didn't blame Lelouch for it either. He couldn't have known. But all the same, how could she trust him when he could so easily destroy her memories again? How could she trust him when she now knew that he was capable of murdering his own siblings? How could she trust him when the truth was that Lelouch Lamperouge had been a lie all along and that it was really Lelouch vi Britannia that she saw in class occasionally? Who else could she turn to though? Who else could she ask?

Thunder rumbled low in the distance, and a flash of lightning made her turn to the window. It was much darker now than it had been an hour ago. She couldn't even tell that it wasn't even noon yet.

There was a knock on her door, hesitant and soft. "...Shirley?"

Involuntarily, her breath caught in her throat. It was Lelouch. Lelouch Lamperouge. Prince Lelouch vi Britannia. Zero. And as of yesterday... her boyfriend. She didn't know how she was supposed to respond.

"Shirley, are you in there?" It was Suzaku's voice now.

Another torrent of thoughts and questions exploded in her mind. How did Suzaku fit into all of this? Had his mind been purged of Nunnally as well? Did he know that the Nunnally vi Britannia that was in office now was his friend's sister? Did Nunnally know that her brother was still here? Or perhaps she had been made to forget him as well? Who was behind all of this? Suzaku was the Knight of Seven; could he possibly have an idea? Or worse yet, was he involved directly somehow? He had been Euphemia's knight; he had every reason to hate Zero. Could he know that Lelouch had been Zero? His friend? It was impossible trying to figure out who knew what, who remembered what, not when memories seemed so easily tampered with.

"Shirley?" Lelouch's voice again, worried.

"Are you sure she's in?" Suzaku asked.

"Where else would she be? Sophie said she was still in bed when she left this morning. Miya said she wasn't in class, and Rivalz hasn't seen her either."

"Lelouch?" Shirley said before she could stop herself. Oh, what was she going to say? Pretend that nothing was wrong? Everything was wrong. Who could she trust? How could she ask?

"Yes, it's me," was his reply, "Are you okay? Student Council is supposed to--"

"Lulu, I need to talk to you," she told him suddenly, though she was much slower getting up from her bed. Questions kept buzzing in her head, and she didn't know what she was doing, but. She opened the door slowly and looked outside. Lelouch and Suzaku both looked rather confused.

"I... guess I'll see you both later then?" Suzaku said awkwardly, glancing briefly at both of his friends.

"Yeah," Shirley said, looking on rather blankly as the Knight of Seven quickly left.

The confusion on Lelouch's face remained, now joined by slight discomfort, and Shirley couldn't help but think that it was a little endearing. "What is it?" he wondered.

"Come in," she found herself saying quietly.

After closing the door behind him, she went and sat down again on the edge of her bed, only partially aware of the fact that it was a mess and that she was hardly dressed. Lelouch pulled up her desk chair and sat across from her. He looked incredibly worried now. What was he worried about? Could he suspect her questions? Did he know? Did he have his memories at all? Was he still preoccupied with Cupid's Day? Was he thinking of Nunnally? She wished she could read his mind like that crazy Chinese man had been able to read hers. But then, she was very afraid of what she might find in Lelouch's mind. She wanted to know, but she didn't want to ask. She was just staring at him, eyebrows furrowed.

"...Shirley?" Lelouch wondered again.

She blinked and tried to refocus, biting her lower lip. "Lulu..."

He was already giving her his undivided attention.

"Are you Zero?"

--

**A/N**: ...Yup. That's it. I'm not continuing this. Why? One, because my attention span is nil. And two, because everything I just wrote will be negated by Sunday, so there's no point because I like canonic stuff. I think this was more me rambling about all the things Shirley could potentially conclude than an actual story anyway... D; Still, everything is accessable by deductive reasoning, and I don't think Shirley's stupid, so it's a possibility...? I guess we shall see. Oh, Shirley, the more I write for you, the more I like you. :o PS - Sophie is Shirley's roomie.


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